I'm baaacckkk [Tuesday May 23rd, 2006] [ mood | awake ] [ music | gwar ] I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, I've been going through a break up that's been dragging it's self out like a fucking soap opera and tonight I finally changed my phone number so maybe she'll take the hint. I'm not trying to be self centered like I have a stalker ex girlfried but she literally called me 42 times yesterday.. Anyway, I'll be catching up on my friends page but if there is any decent gossip please leave me a comment and let me know what it is. Love, Ben 0 Beep Beep!

Good Morning [Tuesday March 28th, 2006] [ mood | awake ] [ music | silence... it's bliss ] I don't know why I'm awake but it feels like I'm not resting when I sleep. When I wake up I feel like I just ran a 20k marathon or something, I know I need to see a doctor but I hate the idea of taking pills and I know that's what he'll suggest because he seems to think that pills can solve anything. I think if I meditate before I go to sleep maybe? Just concentrate on my breathing and "center myself" that I might sleep for longer and get more rest out of my sleep. I think that part of it is because I'm so used to having someone next to me to spoon with or cuddle but it's been such a long time that you'd think I'd be over that part. I just need connection with another human being you know what I mean? I need to feel wanted and needed by someone other than my daughter and I've come to the conclusion that my ex wife is never going to be that person again. So now the question is, how do I meet people? It's been so long that I barely remember what a date is like. I meet a lot of girls at the shop but sometimes I think they only hit on me because they think it will get them a discount or something 2 Beep Beep!

It's been a while [Sunday March 26th, 2006] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | johnny cash - live at folsom ] It's been a while since I last updated. I had phenomena and I couldn't do anything much less deal with livejournal. Have you ever it? If not consider yourself lucky because it's a bitch. I haven't seen Nevaeh in two weeks because I didn't want to risk getting her sick. Tomorrow I'm picking her up and she's spending the week with me. I can't believe she's almost a year old and all the things I've seen her learn to do. She's amazing. I've written another two chapters for my book and my editor really likes them but he's worried that I don't know what direction I'm going in with it and honestly I don't know. I figured having the main character have an LJ would help me find a direction but it didn't, it definitely helped me with feedback though. I'm going to go watch "Thumbsucker" now. And no, it's not a porno. 2 Beep Beep!

[Sunday March 5th, 2006] [ mood | bored ] [ music | misfits ] I borrowed a book of poetry from a friend of mine and now I can't decide who I think is more talented. Anne Rice or Nicole Blackman. At first I didn't want to read Blood Sugar because I thought it was going to be girly poetry crap but she's raw and gets to the point, I'd LOVE to hear her read some of her stuff. I wonder if she does that? 0 Beep Beep!

[Thursday February 16th, 2006] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | sleater kinney ] ( WTF? Metrospiritual? ) I didn't know that being addicted to Starbucks or Jamba Juice made you spiritual. I don't know what to call my belief system and if I hadn't read this article MetroSpiritual would have been a fun name to call it since I pull a little from a bunch of different beliefs but now I'm just.. jaded by how religion is being pushed to the point that it's about advertising and not finding peace within yourself, which by the way I don't even think you need religion to do. I find peace when I'm in a quite room and just focus on my breathing. 1 Beep Beep!

[Wednesday February 8th, 2006] [ mood | contemplative ] I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with "The Church" lately and the more I think about it the more angry and bitter I get that they take a good thing like "God's Love" and turn it into something to use against us. When I was 7-13 I was so afraid of going to hell that literally everytime after I thought I had sinned I'd pray for forgivness because I didn't want to go to hell incase I died. And even then I wasn't sure if it counted becasue I didn't repent to a priest. Doesn't the bible say that only God can forgive us? Where does the middle man come in? Oh that's right, to molest little boys. The movie Saved! was hilarious to me, especially when the one girl throws the bible like it's a weapon. Why do we need to live in SUCH fear of God? 2 Beep Beep!

Who sings this? [Tuesday February 7th, 2006] [ mood | curious ] Forsaken (Queen Of The Damned Soundtrack) I'm over it you see I'm falling in the vast abyss, Clouded by memories of the past atlast I see I hear it fading I can't speak it or else you will dig my grave. You feel it finding always winding Take my hand I'll be alive You see I cannot be foresaken because I'm not the only one. We walk amongst you, Feeding raping, Must we hide from everyone? I'm over it Why can't we be together embrace it? Sleeping so long taking off the mask At last I see My fear is fading I can't speak it or else you will dig my grave You feel it binding always winding Take my hand now be alive You see I cannot be foresaken because I'm not the only one, We walk amongst you, Feeding, Raping Must we hide from everyone? You see I cannot be foresaken because I'm not the only one, We walk amongst you, Feeding,Raping Must we hide from everyone? Everyone Everyone 1 Beep Beep!

[Saturday February 4th, 2006] [ mood | loved ] Court went really well, I have joint custody and I have Nevaeh for the weekend which makes me feel complete. It's 9pm and I know she should be asleep but playing with her and watching her smile and giggle at me is just to hypnotic to lay her down. I think I'm going to hold her until she falls asleep and then put her in her crib. Why do people need a special day of the year to tell their significant other [or anyone for that matter] that they love them? I'm not all anti Valentine's Day because I'm getting divorced, I've just never understood the concept of needing to take a special day to remind them. You should remind them everyday. It's the candy companies and Hallmark that push the crap. Okay, Nev is getting bored watching my type so we're off to explore something else. 3 Beep Beep!

New starts? [Sunday January 29th, 2006] [ mood | productive ] 2006 feels like I'm being reborn as hippy-ish as that may sound. I haven't given a good update in a while and I deleted all my old journal entries so let me bring everyone up to speed on what's been going on ok? Ok. - I have court tomorrow to petition the judge for joint custody of Nevaeh which I know I'll get, they have no reason to keep my child from me. I'd ask for full custody but I know a little girl needs her Mommy and I don't want to upset and confuse her more than I already am. - I moved into a new apartment. It's two bedrooms, a kitchen/dining room, living room and bathroom. It's not much but for starting off with nothing I'd say it's pretty damn good. James is giving me lots of hours at the shop so money isn't an issue, I just don't know a damn thing about decorating is all. - I started seeing a therapist that a close friend recommended and it's really been helping. I think everyone, no matter how okay with their life they seem they are needs to go see a thearpist because I swear you'll feel better afterward. Those are all the really big things. What's been going on with you? 6 Beep Beep!

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